Don’t Forget the Dads

Rob handed me his iPhone.  “This is the moment,” he bragged.  On his phone was a picture of his daughter in uniform at her graduation from Recruit Training Center Great Lakes.  The seaman apprentice saluted her mother who was also wearing a Navy uniform. 

“First she came running up to me to hug me,” Rob said.  “And then when she saw her mother, she drew right up. “  Rob acted out the salute between the two women.

    “We’ve got that picture, too,” said Derek, another retired military member attending the spouse training session.  Derek’s wife would soon be taking command. 

  “It takes a real man to let his wife and daughter rule the sea,” Rob said.  Those dads just beamed together.  I laughed at their adorabilitude.

  Over their shoulders I could see the admiral who had fielded questions that morning about incorporating women on submarines and dissolving the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy.  I wanted to drag that admiral over so he could witness the evidence being acted out in his living room.

  But Admirals don’t drag easily. 

  And maybe he wouldn’t see what I see.

  Because I see We are forgetting about the dads.  When we talk about women on submarines, service members allowed to be openly gay, and whether a 100 lb., five foot woman can adequately command without becoming a female Captain Queeg, we spend a lot of time worrying about the reaction of those in the service right now.   As well we should.  Our current service members are the ones who deal with the new policies.  

  So we Americans wonder if these females are ready.  We suspect that they will still continue to face discrimination and harassment.  Our Pentadudes worry how everyone will handle all that without compromising the integrity of the service. 

  That’s a good thing.  It’s good to have those Pentagon types gathered in meetings and worrying about this stuff. But outside their meetings, I wonder if they know that real life is pushing forward?

  Look at these two military dads.  Rob and Derek, are only a little older than I am.  If they were like our Navy friends in the early 1990s, I betcha these guys had plenty to say about the first women who served with them.  I bet they said a lot of stupid stuff.  Lots of people said stupid stuff back then.  Lots of people say stupid stuff now.

  But do those admirals know that love changes stuff? It was one thing for Rob and Derek to think of WOMEN IN THE MILITARY in capital letters. Then Rob and Derek (and so many like them) fell in love with their own women in uniform.  Rob completed an initial tour in the military and then moved to other work while his wife continued her military career.  Derek did the full ride, retiring from the Navy and then moving on to work for a non-profit as his wife completes her career. 

  Women in uniform became not a political issue to these guys but a normal part of their everyday life.  Women in uniform on the flight deck. Women in uniform in the corner office.  That one woman who got out of her bed and into a uniform every morning.  That one daughter who decided that her next step in life was to step into a uniform.

   Those guys who grumbled back in the day no longer grumble.  People really can grumble and move on.  Here are men who displayed not only pride in the potential of their daughters and pride in the accomplishment of their wives.  Here were men who were willing to attend a spouse training and actively participate in military life.  Life pushes us forward.

  These are the new dads, Admiral.   These aren’t men that daughters have to fight against to enter the Navy.  These aren’t men to whom daughters are trying so hard to prove something.  This new generation of dads cheer their daughters choices.  Expect the world from their wives.  Look on women in the Navy as the most normal of normals.  Look on these men and expect the rest of us to step up.

Jacey Eckhart is a miltiary life consultant in Washington, DC.  She is the author of "The Homefront Club" and the voice behind the award-winning CD "These Boots." Contack Jacey at jacey@jaceyeckhart.com.